These Clocks Tick Backward
by Scarecrowqueen
Summary: Castiel's was a slow evolution.  From Hammer to Falling to Sheriff to God, this is the side of the story you haven't heard yet.  Spoiler's for 6.22, onesided Dean/Cas slash.


+ 3 years, 9 months, 14 days, 11 hours 39 minutes:

**I'm your new God. A better one. So you will bow down, and profess your love unto me, your Lord, or I shall destroy you.**

The words hang in the air, like the world has frozen, but it hasn't because Castiel hasn't willed it so.

Dean refuses to kneel, his soul sings with his defiance, and Castiel could make him. Castiel could do anything to him, to Sam or Bobby and _force_ him, but Dean does not, will not love him. Castiel wishes Dean would though, more than anything.

Castiel has all the power in the world, his giving everything of himself time and time again, and more even, but he still has none of Dean's love or affection. It makes the new God's stomach churn, but with rage or sadness he doesn't know.

+ 3 years, 8 months, 29 days, 19 hours 13 minutes:

Things are falling apart, faster and faster. Sam, Bobby, _Dean _are all slipping away from him. Castiel is stretched thin, trying to accomplish everything, trying to save the world the only way he knows how, and Dean...

Dean is nowhere to be had, at least, nowhere that Castiel could meet him. All that's left between them are lies, recriminations, and mistrust. Castiel cannot fix this, and as he hovers over Dean's sleeping figure, he wishes he could, because after this, he has nothing.

**I think about you all the time, Dean Winchester. You are my first consideration and the one closest to me in the world and I want to stand by your side until your old age, and upon your death I want to accompany your soul to its heaven so as to be with you always. Also, I believe I would like to experience sexual intercourse with you at appropriate moments throughout the whole duration. I'm pretty sure that means I'm in love with you, the way humans love, for I have always loved you as an Angel would.**

Castiel's confession is barely a whisper in the night air, then he kisses Dean's forehead once and leaves before he awakens.

There is nothing left to do now, but carry on alone.

+ 2 years, 11 months, 19 days, 21 hours 58 minutes:

Castiel is regretful for the time he spent away from his friends, for the prayers he ignored and the calls he did not answer. Looking into Dean and Sam's faces he does not believe his reasons will be accepted at face value, and the thought hurts; he is not a dog, and is no longer a hammer.

Sam seems somewhat perturbed when Castiel mentions the connection Dean and himself share. He doesn't mean to be cruel or hurtful, it's a simple truth. Among humans, Castiel has always loved Dean best, and their camaraderie has always run deepest.

+ 1 year, 9 months, 21 days, 15 hours 2 minutes:

Dean is in trouble. It should be said that any mortal facing down two angry Archangels would be in trouble, but as it is Dean is it particularly worrisome. Castiel has nearly fallen, has nearly given everything for Dean now, hovering so close to the ground he can smell dirt. He is however, not useless, not yet, he refuses to be useless when Dean needs him.

**Hey assbutt!**

The holy oil Molotov was a particularly clever idea, Castiel feels, even if it doesn't do as much damage as he hoped. It doesn't do nearly enough at all in fact, and Castiel has just one second to flinch before Lucifer snaps his fingers.

+ 1 year, 8 months, 17 days, 6 hours 43 minutes:

_I'm a big expert on dead beat dads._

**How are you supposed to feel?**

_On a good day you get to kill a whore._

Dean Winchester is wise, sometimes wiser than most give him credit for. Castiel knows this, and basks in the warmth of Dean's attention and self-deprecating smile. He still grieves, but the grieving seems a little less with the elder Winchester brother at his side.

+ 1 year, 5 months, 10 days, 3 hours 21 minutes

Castiel feels full, sickeningly so, and yet there is no satiation, no satisfaction in the sensation. He's simply fed; not comforted or pleased by it, in fact he's ashamed to have fallen far enough to be affected by Famine in the first place. Castiel looks to Dean for guidance, as he's found himself doing more and more often of late, but Dean seems to be lost in whatever misery Famine had dealt to him. Castiel knows that between that and Sam's withdrawal, there will be no leftover consideration for him, so he channels all the ugly new feelings in his chest into his search for God, the only way he's learned to cope.

+ 1 year, 1 months, 9 days, 2 hours 10 minutes:

_Don't ever change._

Dean's smile is friendly, perfect, and the hand on Castiel's shoulder is solid and warm. Castiel wants to do what Dean says, exactly what Dean says, but he's afraid he cannot.

He has not the words to tell Dean that it's too late, that he's changing again and again and all of it at Dean's request.

+ 0 years, 8 months, 4 days, 13 hours 34 minutes:

For all Castiel does not understand Dean and his motivations, Dean does not understand Castiel's sacrifices, either. The gap between them is sometimes a wide chasm Castiel cannot breach.

**I killed two angels this week. That's my brothers. I'm hunted, I rebelled, and I did it - all of it - for you. And you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world. And I lost everything, for nothing. So keep your opinions to yourself.**

+ 0 years, 7 months, 27 days, 8 hours 6 minutes:

Dean is persuasive. No, he's more than persuasive, he's passionate, and reckless, and so unbelievably pure that Castiel to helpless to do anything but follow after this mad, brilliant, determined man. So Castiel cuts his hand and writes the symbol that will banish his brother Zachariah, and flies away with Dean in tow.

Now, as the prophet's house shakes, the approaching light grows brighter and brighter and the sharp whine of his brother's true voice vibrates in his vessel's molars Castiel makes his next choice, the only one he knows how to make.

**I'll hold them off; I'll hold them all off! Just stop Sam!**

Castiel sends Dean away, takes a deep breath he does not need and meets his destiny.

+ 0 years, 4 months, 7 days, 48 minutes:

_So if a prophet was in the same room as a demon..._

**Then the most fearsome wrath of Heaven would rain down on that demon. Just so you understand... why I can't help.**

Castiel should not intercede, he knows this. He knows the consequences. But Dean's soul is flame-bright and worthy and Castiel is more and more frequently weak to it, so he interferes.

Castiel knows what it means, just as he knows that his downward inertia will quickly become unstoppable. He knows, and Father help him, he still does it anyways.

+ 0 years, 2 months, 5 days, 3 hours 56 minutes:

Castiel watches Dean and Anna together in the backseat of Dean's car, and does not understand. Human compassion, human empathy, the needs for reaffirmation in flesh and contact. Castiel does not understand, not viscerally, only in academics.

Castiel suddenly _wants_ to understand, to provide the same sort of comfort to Dean himself. To his knowledge it's the first time he's ever _wanted_ anything for selfish reasons.

Uriel is right; Castiel's... _preference _for Dean Winchester is dangerous.

+ 0 years, 0 months, 3 days, 9 hours 37 minutes:

Angels are warriors, soldiers of God. They do not perch on shoulders, not even the shoulders of the Righteous. Castiel tells Dean Winchester this, but he does not think Dean Winchester believes him. The lack of respect and gratitude fills him with Heaven's fury.

**You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of hell. I can throw you back in.**

Castiel knows now that Dean Winchester fears him, and will, for the time being at least, obey. For some reason the small victory does not satisfy him the way it should.

0 years, 0 months, 0 days, 0 hours 0 minutes:

Castiel exists for nothing else but fulfilling his orders. Every ounce of focus, every particle of himself directed to the cause. Around him his brethren fight, kill, are wounded and Castiel is only peripherally aware. Every beat of his wings is _save Dean Winchester save Dean Winchester, _every spike and ebb of his grace is an offering, a dedication to his mission.

When he finds the Righteous Man, soul filthy and cowering in fear from his light, Castiel does not hesitate. **Be not afraid,** he says; then he takes hold and _pulls._

- 34 years, 11 months, 29 days, 4 hours 12 minutes:

_I couldn't stop any of it, she still made the deal, she still died in the nursery didn't she?_

**Don't be too hard on yourself, you couldn't have stopped it.**

_What?_

**Destiny can't be changed Dean, all roads lead to the same destination.**

Castiel dares to put a hand on his charges shoulder, the only form of human comfort he knows how to give. He can feel the tension beneath Dean's skin though, and he knows that it is inadequate.

For the first time in his existence, _he_ is inadequate, and he knows not how to remedy it. He only hopes that somehow, some way, he can make this man understand.

* * *

><p>Notes on this story:<p>

Firstly, all the "times" stated are very rough estimations based on vaguely what time of year I assumed each episode to occur, and were mostly random in nature. Secondly, Many quotes were pulled right from the show, so you probably recognize them. Thirdly, this was a strange idea from the get-go and I'm not sure how much justice I really did it. If anything I hope I conveyed Castiel in a sympathetic enough manner, as I feel as a character, especially in season 6 was often brushed aside and misunderstood. He's not human, and has a hard time relating to and understanding humans, but he always tries, and I feel that in trying he sometimes gets a raw deal. I'm hoping that came across in this piece.

Episodes quoted/referenced in order of appearance:

6.22 The Man Who Knew Too Much

6.21 Let it Bleed

6.03 The Third Man

5.22 Swan Song

5.17 99 Problems

5.14 My Bloody Valentine

5.04 The End

5.02 Good God Y'all

4.22 Lucifer Rising

4.18 The Monster at the End of this Book

4.10 Heaven and Hell

4.02 Are You There God? It's Me, Dean Winchester

4.01 Lazarus Rising

4.03 In the Beginning


End file.
